To raise well-adjusted kids, two words are all you need

by

Forgive me the clicky headline, but this is important. I’ll confess upfront that two words are probably not all you need to raise well-adjusted kids. You also need bucket loads of patience and a Teflon-like ego. Even well-adjusted kids are a handful.

However, there absolutely exists two words that will make a ton of difference to your relationship with your children. And a ton of difference to the parent-child relationship can make all the difference to how a kid feels about themselves.

If you say these words regularly and with feeling, they could well change your entire relationship dynamic.

It’s pretty simple, as these things so often are. The two words you need to say the most as a parent are:

I’m listening.

This simple, everyday phrase says so much.

Firstly, it says, I think what you have to say is important.

Then it says, I am giving you my complete focus.

And it also says, I value your experiences and opinions.

A parent who listens helps kids grow

‘I’m listening’ is the antidote to all the ‘should have’, ‘could have’, ‘would you’s that our relationship with our children deals with on a daily basis. It allows us to step back and let our kids take the wheel for a change.


Read this too: Life got sweeter when I tried unparenting


 

It might be a funny story that happened at school that day – listening means your child takes the floor and you’re both rewarded with a shared laugh.

It might be a problem they are facing – listening means they feel confident to relax and open up. Having an actively listening parent means they practise expressing themselves without feeling judged.

It might be a dilemma they are wrestling with – listening helps our children figure out their true POV, without having to meet the expectations of others.

The phrase I'm listening can have a big impact on kids

Listening is harder than it sounds

Listening to our children can actually be super-hard for a parent to do. Often our need to ‘fix’ things means we leap to the rescue, rather than step back and listen. Sometimes we don’t like what they have to say, and our discomfort means we shut out our kids’ words.

Listening helps our children figure out their true POV, without having to meet the expectations of others.

Once you become aware of it, you might be surprised to find how often you don’t listen when your kids talk. We are a distracted, busy generation and making space to hear our children out can be hard.

However, if we make it a priority to create space in our days for our children to open up, our relationship, and our children, will flourish.

How to actively listen

Of course, it only works if we actually devote our full attention to our child. It’s important to make space for them to relax enough to open up and tell us what’s on their mind. If it’s not a ‘good time’ for listening, let your child know and set a time (not too far away) that would suit you both better.


This one too: 50 gifts of parenting wisdom from one mother to another


 

Agree privacy upfront

Depending on the conversation, make sure you both agree what is private and what isn’t upfront. For me, all conversations with my children are private unless they ask me to talk to someone else about it. We’ve agreed that the only time I would ever breach that privacy is if I thought a person (eg. a friend they mention) was at risk or in danger.

Value the pause

If your child hesitates or is taking time to express themselves, don’t immediately jump in. Show them with your body language that you are still attentive, and give them time. Staying quiet and patient shows them that they are free to talk in their own time.

I'm listening powerful parenting

Don’t anticipate

You might think you already know what your child is going to say, but sit back. Don’t anticipate your response, or jump ahead of their story. Instead, focus on what they are actually saying. Note their expression, body language, the cadence of their voice.

Provide non-verbal feedback

Let them know you are attentive by leaning forward, holding eye contact, and nodding slightly. Keep your face open and your body relaxed.

They may not actually want to hear your opinion, so check before you give it.

Encourage their feelings

Once they have finished and they have invited you to talk, express empathy towards their point of view. You might say something like, “I’ve never felt that way myself, but I can understand how this is hard for you.”


More on this: 3 proven ways to build a rock-solid relationship with tweens and teens


 

Confirm they want your opinion

By telling you about something, your child may be seeking your advice, or they may simply want you to know about something. They may not actually want to hear your opinion, so check before you give it. This one is really important because often kids just want to ‘check in’ and tell you something, but they’re okay sorting it out for themselves.

Flip it back

Even if they are seeking your advice, it’s a good idea to flip it back to them first. “What do you think should happen next? Why do you think that’s going on?, etc” This is great critical thinking and problem solving practise. You can then offer your POV after they have offered theirs.

Ask open-ended questions

As they begin to tease out their thoughts, encourage them to keep exploring by asking open-ended questions. These are questions that can’t be answered with just a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. “What happened next?”, “What did you think of X?” “Would you change Y if you could?”, etc.

Feature image by Eric Nopanen; Talk by by Priscilla Du Preez; Tea by Stephanie Pombo

 

Written by Ellen Jackson

Ellen Jackson from Potential Psychology is a psychologist who does things differently. She writes about everyday people and why we do what we do. When she’s not tapping at the laptop she coaches, she teaches and she helps workplaces to solve their people problems. Ellen has been making online friends since before the internet had pictures. You can join her tribe on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and LinkedIn.

We’re very social

More for you

“I need your best right now”: How to ask kids to step up

“I need your best right now”: How to ask kids to step up

These here are troubled times and many of us have some very troubled kids on our hands. It's hard to shield them from the COVID-19 news, and as the kids get older we need to ask ourselves if it's even wise to.  "COVID-19 is contagious ... and so is mood," says...

The kids doing school from home is going to kill me

The kids doing school from home is going to kill me

Day one. Day, f'ing ONE. I am no longer worried about coronavirus coming for my kids. I am coming for them myself. Look, tomorrow I will rally and get a grip and do all the things I know I need to do to making our at-home school thrive. Tomorrow. Today I just want to...

Try Peaceful Parenting to help calm the farm

Try Peaceful Parenting to help calm the farm

There is no such thing as stress-free parenting. Peaceful parenting isn’t a place with no stress, but a place where you take the stress as it comes, in stride, and don’t let it rule you. You let it flow through you, and then smile, and breathe, and give your child a...

Affiliate links

From time to time Mumlyfe uses affiliate links.  It means that Mumlyfe may recieve a small commission at no cost to you when you make a purchse using the link.  YOu can find out more about how it works here.

You may also like

Related

Make this one-pot Mediterranean chicken recipe tonight

Make this one-pot Mediterranean chicken recipe tonight

This one-pot Mediterranean chicken recipe from the new book The Feel-Good Family Food Plan makes a great family meal. Throw in whatever veggies you have in the fridge. The book is jam-packed full of everything you need to feed your family well, from one of Australia's...

Start a coronaproject: 17 ways for kids to grow during lockdown

Start a coronaproject: 17 ways for kids to grow during lockdown

A coronaproject is basically the best way to make the most of a really tough situation. No kid enjoys being stuck at home 24/7 with their family, least of all older kids. It's sheer torture, really. We get that. Newsflash: we're not having the greatest time right now...

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This